Hey guys! I'm so sorry for my SUUUUPER LONG break from blogging but I'm back and I think now is the right time to open up about why I had such a long break. First of all, I just want to send a massive thank you to Felicity from Dancing Through Life for reaching out to me about a collab (coming April 1st). When Felicity did that, I felt everything about blogging that kept me happy come rushing back. I WANT to blog now. That wouldn't have been possible without her. So thank you again, Felicity, for reminding me that blogging keeps me sane. Now it's time for the explanation.
So since I talked to you last, I have had two depressive episodes/mental breakdowns. One was in the last quarter of the school year and the other was over summer break. I suffer from depression.
The first time was more prolonged but I was still able to go to school most days but I just wasn't okay at all. I would come home from school and just breakdown in my bedroom crying and thinking thoughts that I can't even think about today. I would go downstairs to the lounge and watch Netflix for hours on end and eat unhealthy food. Basically what I did was the worst thing I could possibly do, and the reason I couldn't break the cycle. I was distancing myself from everybody and I didn't have the will or desire to do anything but lay down crying. Thinking about it now drains me so much. I was depressed for so long and I just didn't have good days.
One day I told my Mum that I was feeling a down and I fessed up to crying in my room and watching Netflix alone before anybody else got home. We booked an appointment with my GP for two weeks from that day. Those two weeks felt like the longest in my life. But finally that day came. Although I trust my GP, I choked up when I told her. I can feel my throat closing up just thinking about it now. I decided on going to therapy and from there we had to wait for about three weeks. My councillor was amazing and it was great to spill out everything. It got easier to talk about the depression every time.
Eventually it was time for the summer break. I moved to a different city the day school finished, and considering I had the most supportive, stupid, loving class that I knew like the back of my hand, I was heartbroken to leave them.
I used to spend half of the summer holidays at my Dad's flat but he passed away as many of you know. My Mum decided to send me up north (a five hour drive) to stay with my grandmother. She has no car, so her place is very isolated. Probably the day my Mum left to go home, the depression kicked in.
I was all alone and the only eventful thing in a day at my Nana's house was when she turned on the TV at 5pm. For those two weeks, I was calling my Mum around 10-20 times a day. The depression ate me alive, and that was the worst time of my life. I love my grandmother, but I had only ever stayed at her house for half a week before.
I remember one day. I was sitting in my room after I had a shower. I cried for about half an hour before ringing my Mum. I told her about my suicidal thoughts. I told her that I had just been sitting there crying, trying to squeeze everything out of my brain, but I only made it worse. She told me to go on a walk, so I did. And I helped me so much. I'm glad it was summer, because on that walk, I could feel the sun on my skin, I could feel my feet on the grass. I felt so grounded, like I was real again. I came back to my Nana's place with a smile.
I had to go home early from that trip. I felt better at home. Although the depression wasn't magically cured. I had the support of my family. My oldest sister Jessica was even home from uni. I am so close to both of my sisters because of that, and without them, I don't know where I would be. I rode my other older sister, Melissa's horse, I drove around, just talking about everything, with Jessica, I walked up and around the Mount with both of them, several times. I felt happiness again. That time with my sisters is what keeps me going when I have a bad day. I CAN feel happiness. No matter what I feel like in the moment, I CAN feel happiness.
So sure there are still bad days, and I'm sure that I'll have many more depressive episodes, but now that I don't have to tackle them alone, I feel like I can get through it.
I have told many people that I have depression. I say it with a factual tone, the three words: "I have depression". But it's a lot harder to tell people how depression grips your throat, then convinces you that you are choking yourself. It's a little harder to say that depression tells me I don't deserve anybody, then convinces me to push them all away.
If anybody tells you about their depression, listen. This is probably very hard for them, but they trust you. You can support them by just suggesting to hang out. If they seem like they don't think you love them, tell them how much you mean to them. One tip is to get them to exercise, even if it's very light, it will most likely lift their mood.
You can make it through, you can fight this dark monster. It's dirty hand-prints on your brain will be outshone by all the happiness that comes after, and soon enough, the handprints will be smaller, and will fade easily.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS. Remember that, because although depression could convince you to do things that you don't want to do, you have to make your own decisions.
Thank you so much for reading this post. I have honestly poured my heart into it and I'm glad that I found the courage to share my story because it might just help somebody with the same condition as me, or, just as importantly, spread awareness about the condition.
xxx
Catherine